3/20/20:
Today, I felt as if my emotions were swirling around inside of me, wreaking havoc around my insides. I couldn’t control them, and they destroyed everything. Even my happiness.
I’m not sure where these feelings came from. Perhaps it is the constant pressures of society that continue to plague my dreams. Perhaps it is the unreachable goals that are set by my parents. Perhaps it is the mental abuse that I have suffered by the hands of my brother.
Even so, I feel as if I cannot control these feelings, and am constantly spiraling towards the darkness within. As if there were no light, no hope, that I am able to reach.
I feel as if these past couple of years have completely and utterly destroyed who I am now. Now, I believe I am just a hollow and empty person – a fragment of who I was before. Where I was once confident and happy, I am now depressed and slowly being consumed by the inner darkness inside of me.
I am afraid to talk to someone. I am afraid that they wouldn’t understand what I am, and the darkness.
I am afraid that they will leave once they discover it.
And yet, even with all of these fears, I crave the feel of someone holding me, whispering that it will be alright and okay, while I tell them all about the darkness inside.
And yet, they still search for the light within.
3/22/20:
My anxiety is always there – no matter what I feel, or what I do, it is always there, watching me, carefully observing when I will break. And that is when it attacks. Sometimes, I feel free. Free from my anxiety, free from my worries, free from everything.
And yet, that freedom never lasts – as it always comes back no matter what.
The darkness inside me always comes back.
And yet, the flames of others still burn bright, trying to bring me towards them.
3/25/20:
No one noticed. No one ever notices. My mask is impenetrable, and no one is able to see what’s underneath.
I wish someone cared enough to see.
I wish I could conquer the darkness.
7/12/20:
Once upon a time there was a girl. When she was younger, she was afraid of everything. And because this little girl was afraid, she hid. She hid behind a mask. And as she grew up, that mask stayed with her.
On the outside, the mask made her seem like a happy girl. A girl who always laughed, who always teased. And yet, on the inside, a little girl sat there in the darkness, with tears streaming down her face.
She was still afraid.
Her fears warped around her, spinning her around and around like a tornado. Around and around she spun, the tornado never losing strength as she spun and spun and spun.
On the outside, her facade was slowly cracking, revealing bits of herself to others, just teeny tiny glimpses of who she truly was. They reached out to her, like little flames of hope, but she blew their flames out.
She was already in too deep. She didn’t need them.
And yet, they kept coming. Until one, brighter than them all, shone above and demanded for her to reach for help. She wanted to resist, she wanted to blow it out.
But the flame kept flickering, kept burning brighter and brighter, until at last, she accepted and was welcomed into the flame’s embrace.
The flame didn’t let go until the tendrils of darkness disappeared.
You're Not Alone 