I never really had many insecurities when I was younger, but honestly, that would probably be expected. High School and Middle School was when teens would become more self-conscious and degrading towards one another and themselves. When social cliques formed, and you would have to scramble to find “your people.” When there were suddenly “mean girls” to avoid in the hallways and bathrooms. When dress and appearance started to matter, and no one wore sketchers sneakers anymore. But, when you’re younger, you’re naive and ignorant, and you’re in this bubble of bliss where your life revolves around your family, and all you believe is what your mother has to say. And you believe that you’re beautiful, and talented, and intelligent. Because that’s all you’ve heard.
I don’t think I’ve ever been at a point where I’ve been more insecure than right now. And it’s gone from insecurities to self-deprecation and self-hatred. And I couldn’t tell you why, because even I don’t understand. It just seemed like a switch went off, and now I can finally see how… wrong I am. How wrong I’ve been. That the girl I’ve been was all just a facade. A desperate, awkward, ingenuine face for the person I am. And maybe the “person I am” is even worse. Or maybe I’m just pulling apart this girl who doesn’t need to be restructured or redefined, and yet there’s something terribly wrong with her.
I don’t understand who this “facade” is. Or maybe even, that IS me. That this sorry, joke of an excuse of a girl is really me. It’s hard to tell who I am, sometimes. What I like. What I do. Because these all just seem to be mirrored glimpses of other people who are “better.” Maybe I’ll pick up a hobby just because that other girl did it first. Or modify my dress because it looked better on someone else. Maybe I’ll pick up a new catch phrase or way of speech just because whatever I was before wasn’t enough. So then, who is this girl of scavenged assembly of personas and habits? Because it definitely wasn’t the one I started with. The happy-go-lucky, ambitious girl I’d once been.
I think a lot of it has been social media and our changing times. Yes, everyone’s put in the effort to make everyone feel special and loved. “Your differences are what make you unique and special,” “you have your own beauties and specialties.” But after a while, it gets extremely tiring, because you know it isn’t the truth. You know that there’s pity behind the “supportive” comments on a “less attractive” girl, who definitely doesn’t have what society’s already ingrained as the “perfect body.” And there’s still malice behind the comments of the girl who seems “perfect.” There is no perfect standard of “equal.” There never will be, because our society can’t be as kind and supportive as it strives to be. Otherwise, we’d all just be ignorant and naive.